Stress



March 18th 2014


Was at work Wed evening, planned a computerised class exam, but the software decided that we could not go ahead with it (long story). Plan B = have a different exam (an oral interview). Stress levels very high as trainees had built themselves up to sit the 2hour exam and now they are having a ten min interview instead. Not ideal. When the class ended and as soon as I closed the classroom door behind me my mind started talking to me and this is what it was saying, repeatedly!!!!


“I’ll go home and have a drink, shit I made sure there was no drink in the house cause I wanted to avoid it. Plan B = ring my daughter and ask her if she fancies coming for a drink with me. Shit that isn’t avoiding drink!!!! Why am I thinking like this???, gosh I do this every night after work (think of having a drink a.s.a.p.). I can’t let work do that to me. I love this job, what’s wrong with me. Ok I know what’s happening now so all I have to do is not have a drink. Sorted.” Something along those lines anyway!!!!


I get into my car and what do I do, I ring my daughter to ask her to go for a drink. No answer!!!! What do I do, I ring my other daughter and ask her to go for a drink with me but she respectfully declines. So then my head starts talking to me again….


“Ok that must mean I am not meant to have a drink, just get over yourself. I am so stressed though, I have to find a different way to handle this!!!!”


I get home, I don’t drink but I eat about 1,000 calories worth of food. I was hungry but I could have filled up just as much on a lot less calories. I realise that my stress levels begin to deplete and the penny drops that my brain doesn’t really care if it is food or alcohol as long as I sabotage myself it can continue to torment me. I go to bed feeling not so much stressed but completely defeated and I really do not like myself tonight.


On the bright side, today I have reflected on this mind bending trickery that my alter ego/doppelganger/inner voice or whatever I am going to call it has played on me (and not for the first time). In some small way I feel that the victory was, hence, not complete. There may be a glimmer of hope for me if I can at least try to answer back.


Is this the answer?